yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.