Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
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I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.