Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
