I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
