My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
