ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
