Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
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As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
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Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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