Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
