so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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