remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
