Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
