Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
