Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
