i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
