Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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