apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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