Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
