A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
