it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
bring money and cleavage
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
