As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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