guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
