Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
