Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
