the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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