U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
