allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just cut my nipple shaving
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Randomize
