There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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