sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
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Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
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My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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