It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
