If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
