no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
