Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
