I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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