You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
