I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
