There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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