Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just want nice things and good sex
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
