Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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