I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
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Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it