my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.