the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
