Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
