My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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