she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
