If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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