nut hugger
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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