i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
