I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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