I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
