I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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