he thought i was a dude.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
