I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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