Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
