Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
