I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
