Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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